Plans

Rambling Thoughts and Reflections about Camp and this Past Year

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Sittin’ on the Dock of the Camp

We came back about a week ago from a time at a Christian family camp. Jono did some music there, and I felt well enough to join him a bit, playing a borrowed flute and even singing a little. I still coughed, but my cough improved enough that I could use my windpipes to make music – something I hadn’t done in many months! (So thankful for the new meds, although the side effects are a bit rough.)

I love singing, but haven’t really been able to sing since last summer. This has been so hard for me. I’ve been standing with the congregation but unable to join in the singing without erupting in fits of coughing. This past week and a half my breathing and cough have improved so much that I can quietly sing a little bit here and there with only a bit of coughing. This is such a gift, but there is still grief as I can’t really belt it out freely. I yearn to be able to fully sing again, and I hope this time will come soon.

… but back to the camp …

The people were so lovely and encouraging. I was given the opportunity to tell a bit of my story to the 400+ people there one evening, and I’m so grateful for that. It was such a privilege to be able to speak to these dear folks, and in the following days, many of them introduced themselves to me and thanked me for what I said. Many of them told me they were praying for me and following this blog, and some even honoured me by telling me part of their story. I felt very blessed and surrounded with love and support.

One of the things I said is that all of us are touched by cancer, whether directly or indirectly, and if it’s not cancer then it’s something else: we all have something. We all can relate to each other. We all can help one another carry our loads. (Galatians 6) We all have the choice to be grateful or grumpy.

Some people have said to me that I’m so brave, so strong, but the truth is that I’m not! If ever I appear that way, it is the grace of God on display. I find reading Scripture and praying regularly to be a great source of comfort and encouragement, but sometimes it’s hard to focus. I’ve printed the words of Scripture and prayers on paper which I’ve taped inside my kitchen cupboard doors to help remind and encourage me. I have the privilege of being able to ask friends to pray for me and/or with me, and to have coffee with me, or go for walks with me when I’m up for it. My community is such a gift to me, and I’ve had opportunity to grow in humility and grace as friends have served us so generously in many ways, including cleaning our toilets… significant opportunity for me to grow in humility and grace!

I have found it frustrating to not be able to do the things I normally do. I’ve often wondered how to faithfully navigate this strange season of life. Months ago I asked my amazing small group for their thoughts on how I could live faithfully, and they reminded me that this is a great opportunity to focus on deepening my relationship with God. I can’t DO all that I’d like to do, but I can still BE in relationship, and it’s relationships that really matter the most.

I am so thankful for my support people who take such good care of us. I am thankful for the friends who let me cry with them, for those who bear with me in my limitations, for those who pray faithfully for me (many of which I’ve never met), those who’ve sent encouraging notes and gifts, and the many who have helped in other ways such as cooking and cleaning, childcare, transportation, … there are so many offers of help that we’ve not yet taken up! We feel very well cared-for and we are so grateful! In these (and other) tangible ways, God shows grace and love.

A year ago, I thought I had my plan for the next year pretty much figured out. Boy was I wrong! I never could have anticipated this. The Living God is the Lord of my life, and that includes my calendar (James 4). My plans changed. Though this has been a difficult year, there is so much for which I’m extremely grateful. The brief summary would be: God, family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. The many ways I’ve been deeply blessed are way too large to count.

… but back to the camp …

We are so grateful for a fun time away as a family, for lovely people who shared themselves so generously with us, for boat rides and hours at the beach, for delicious treats, for laughter, for great speakers, for encouragement and inspiration, for opportunities to watch our children have great fun and be blessed, and for so much more.

Sibling Rivalry?! ;)

Camp Fun: Sibling Rivalry?! 😉

Wagon ride

Camp Fun: Wagon ride

Postponed Pleasure

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In the midst of our cold, long winter, we received a happy email from a dear friend. He and his family had been praying and felt God was telling them to use some cash they’d set aside to give us the gift of a Caribbean holiday at an all-inclusive with them. We felt overwhelmed with gratitude for this great offer, and really hoped we’d be able to go.

My oncologist said to wait until after the chemo was done and I’d had a bit of a chance to recover. There were delays to the chemo and uncertainty about how many rounds I’d go. Our generous friends were fine with the plans being delayed and the last-minute uncertainty. We waited…

Finally the decision was made regarding the end of chemo and the doctor gave us a date for booking the trip. Our friends were looking at the Dominican Republic, but my oncologist wasn’t keen since the medical care there is not as good as elsewhere. He would have preferred that we went somewhere safer.

Because it was so last-minute, there weren’t loads of options, and as we prayed about it we were ok with the risks of going to the DR. Our friend booked a great place with a water park nearby and a kids club – looked fantastic! We had our tickets and were ready to leave Easter Saturday.

Good Friday I awoke with a fever. If you read my previous post about chemo and fevers, you know that this meant an immediate trip to Emergency because chemo patients have compromised immune systems, so a fever can mean a life-threatening situation. A good friend drove me there and stayed with me throughout the day, while doctors and nurses came and went. She even read aloud to me, until my snoring drowned out her words! 🙂

Tests revealed I had pneumonia and ruled out any possibility of travel the next day. Cancer in my left lung, pneumonia in my right: no wonder I felt tired and my breathing was laboured! The doctor wanted me to stay in hospital overnight, but I insisted on going home. I really wanted the rest of my family to go on holiday the next day, and I didn’t want to miss out on time with them before they left.

Naturally I was disappointed to not be able to fly out with them, but all along I’d had the attitude that being offered the trip was a very real part of the gift, and I received that with joy and gratitude. I was hoping that I might be able to travel a few days later, but had no idea if I could get a flight, or how much it might cost, or if I’d be well enough …

Jono & the kids left, and I was so happy for them. I was also very happy to go back to bed! Friends brought food and checked in on me several times a day. I was in good hands, and grateful for the opportunity to be at home and sleep. People were praying, and every few hours I noticed that I felt considerably better than I had earlier. On Easter Sunday I wasn’t well enough to go to church in the morning, nor even across the street to the neighbours’ for brunch (they generously sent food over for me to enjoy at home!), but by dinner time I was up for dinner at other neighbours’, and stayed much longer than I’d planned since I continued to feel better throughout the evening. (Can any of you imagine me perking up during dinner conversation?)

On Easter Monday I felt well enough that I called the travel agent to inquire about flights. I learned that flying out on Tues. was quite pricey, but Wed. wasn’t so bad. I booked a flight for Wed. with hope and excitement, glad for an extra day of recovery. Other friends even gave us cash which covered the flight and a few other costs. We felt so blessed.

Snow still covered part of our backyard the day I left for the airport. The view of the DR from the plane was amazing: too bad I didn’t have a camera with me! (But I’m glad for the great photo’s Jono & the kids took before I arrived!)

I was so grateful to be able to go on this holiday – even if only for part of the week. It was relaxing to not have to think about cooking or homework or music practice. I enjoyed watching the kids play and reading and hanging out with everyone. Many smiles and much laughter! By the end of my time there, I was playing with the kids in the pool and feeling pretty well!

What a good gift from God and from our friends … and may I add that we are very thankful for the timing of my fever: had it occurred even the next day, while I was in the DR, that would have been at the very least a lot more complicated. Pneumonia can be so serious, and I am thankful for the good medical care I received here, including effective antibiotics.

I am also so grateful for the good gifts of friends who prayed and contributed together to care for me here and give us this great, relaxing trip. I can’t tell you how much that meant to us. What a beautiful grace-filled oasis in the midst of a long and difficult winter!

Watching peacocks and peahens

Great View from the shade!

Update from the middle of the night

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From my last post:  “… But I want that chemo to kill more of the cancer … and I need to get in to see my oncologist before they will schedule me for more. I was feeling a bit frustrated that the long week-end delayed my regularly scheduled Tuesday chemo date, and now I’m chomping at the bit to get back on track! (… and desperately trying to not succumb to the control-freak part of my nature!)”   Note: I was initially expecting to start my fourth cycle of chemo on February 18th, but I’m still waiting.

Here’s a question I’m pondering in the middle of the night here: Does lying awake in bed developing strategic plans for advocating for myself to get a chemo appointment *necessarily* define me as a control-freak?

I left multiple messages with the phone systems in both my oncologist’s office and chemotherapy booking on Monday, then again on Tuesday, and I’m feeling frustrated that no one has returned any of my calls.  Not even a “Sorry you got the wrong number,” reply or, “We’re really busy but we’re working on it because we know this is important to you,” or, “We’ve got your messages, and if you’d please stop calling we’d have time to actually book you an appointment!”  Nothing. So when I woke up with my mind racing, I eventually decided to come downstairs in the middle of the night and leave more messages. Sometimes action helps. If I don’t hear back by 9:30 am, I plan to go in person to the chemo scheduling office and see if I can talk to an actual person. If that doesn’t work, we plan to contact some of the people we know who can help us navigate the system.

Sometimes action helps, but my mind is still racing. Those of you who think I’m so full of faith, remember this moment! There’s a great verse in Philippians (4:6,7) which is much easier to memorize than to consistently live: Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I was praying on Monday and I felt peace. I was praying on Tuesday and I felt peace. Here and now, in the middle of the night, my mind is racing and although I’m trying to pray, I’m not really feeling the peace!

Time for a new strategic planning session! Warm milk. A couple of Psalms. Asking God to help schedule the chemo (again), find things to be thankful for as I ask. I go to the cupboard for a mug, and the one right in front is a gift from a former student leader who was visiting town this summer. It reads, “Faith is not knowing what the future holds but knowing who holds the future”. (Insert thankful smilie emoticon here!)  I’m now sipping from it – good plan! Now I’ve read Psalm 34 (one of my many favourites)  I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.  … I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.  … good Psalm, good plan. As I read it, I could feel my fear and stress starting to melt and my world getting a bit bigger. There may possibly be more in the universe than my next chemo. I’m sorry for my narrow-minded control-freaking focus on that one thing. I thank God for many of the kindnesses of family, friends, acquaintances and strangers, and I thank Him for many of his good gifts to us. This is helping. This is helping me to remember what is true and real. “…though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the LORD holds us by the hand.” (Psalm 37:24) I thank God that I had peace and trust earlier that He was is ultimately in charge of my chemo schedule and would will take care of me. I go back and edit that last sentence, thanking God again! I edit again to, “… and you are taking care of me.”  Psalm 38:9 & 22 read, “O Lord, all my longing is known to you; my sighing is not hidden from you.  Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation.”  Psalm 40:17 says, “As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God.”  I keep reading, and so many verses jump off the pages at me. I should not be surprised that this happens: it has happened so many times before. I am thankful. Not fully filled with peace, but I think I’ll keep reading and praying and sipping … my “cup” doesn’t feel like it’s overflowing yet, but the peace is growing, my mind is slowing down, and I think it’s nearly time to brush my teeth and head back to bed …

… and if I don’t hear back by 9:30 9:00 am, I plan to go in person to the chemotherapy booking office at the hospital and try to talk with an actual person!

Beautiful delivery Tues. afternoon!