Fear

Fundraiser: an inside look

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They say the vast majority of people are so afraid of public speaking that they would rather die than give a speech. I’m certainly not in that category! Yesterday I spoke about clinical trials at the Ottawa Regional Cancer Foundation’s fundraising breakfast, and had a great time doing it!

I was privileged to be able to share my story and to thank some of the people who help make a difference for cancer patients, their families, friends and broader communities through clinical trial funding.

This was an extremely well-organized event, with loads of people working hard both upfront and behind the scenes.

I don’t know the exact numbers, but there were about 50 tables of 8, each with a table host and an “expert” (e.g. oncologist, cancer coach, etc.). Our table expert was a cancer fitness instructor, and I would have loved to have had more time to pick his brain! 🙂

I am very grateful for the many people who invested so much time and energy into making this event a success. There is a great commitment to excellent cancer care in the Ottawa region!

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Even with a crowd of 400 or so, I didn’t really feel nervous. I felt moments of nervousness, but I prayed and breathed and felt peaceful and calm. I felt like I was meant to be there and really excited for the opportunity! I give thanks to the Lord for this good gift of confidence and peace!

Just as the breakfast was about to start, one of the Cancer Foundation people asked me if I’d do an interview for a local radio station right then, so I ducked out and missed the opening few minutes of the breakfast. Again, I felt completely calm and glad to do it! I haven’t heard the story yet – don’t even know if it has aired.

The breakfast was so well organized that I knew well in advance exactly when it would be my turn to speak. They confirmed it with me again before the breakfast yesterday morning, but there was also someone who came to my table at the right time, to get me and practically escort me right onto the stage! No backing out! haha 🙂 Seriously, I felt very well-cared for by the team in the lead-up to the event, during it, and afterwards. Very encouraging!

The mayor served as MC, and did a great job! He helped me to relax in the moments before I spoke, while they showed a video much like the one which had been on the news last month. He quietly asked about my kids, where I live, people we know in common, etc. For a very brief moment I considered mentioning to him that the sidewalks on our street are in terrible shape and could really use his attention (I’ve been emailing our Councillor about that lately!), but instead I chose to focus on why we were there! 😉

My speech was only 5 minutes long. So much more I wish I could have said, but these are busy people who need to get to work. I honoured the 4 – 6 minute range they gave me.

I spoke about the strong community of support we have, and the generosity lavishly poured out on our family. I specifically mentioned the prayers, encouragement and the food!

I mentioned that the Lord has made a huge difference for me. Afterwards a woman I didn’t know approached and kept thanking me for speaking and saying, “Praise God!” I’m assuming she was a Christian: it was encouraging to hear from her and shake her hand!

It was good to connect with people who introduced themselves to me afterwards. It’s a small world, and I spoke with a few folks I knew or who knew who I was. I am so thankful for the two friends who came with me, and the team of dear people who weren’t there, but encouraged me and prayed for me. I carried this support with me, and felt carried by it.

Here’s an excerpt from my speech, the end bit:

Every day is a gift! I don’t know how many more I’ll have, but I want to make the most of each one.

I’m thankful that research continues to develop new and better treatments that I hope will help extend my life for many years. I want to celebrate many more birthdays with family and friends, and I’d love to see my kids grow up and even my grandchildren. Clinical trials are helping me to have hope!

Your generosity in supporting clinical trials is making a significant difference for cancer patients, their family, friends and communities. Thank you for standing with us, as members of our support team.

I dream that one day soon the treatment for cancer will be 3 months of a daily pill, and then you’re done. That’s a dream worth working towards, and we get to play a part in that!  Thank you for the part that you are playing.

(Where do you think I teared up? If you guessed when I mentioned my kids, you’d be right!)

The feedback I heard the most afterwards was that people were inspired, and that I spoke clearly and powerfully …

… but what really excites me is that the Foundation raised over $215,000 at the breakfast yesterday morning! What generosity! I hope it makes an even bigger difference!

I’m thankful that I could play my small part!

I count you all of you, dear readers, as members of our support team, and I thank you!

The Ottawa Regional Cancer Foundation helps fund local clinical trials and offers cancer coaching to anyone who has been affected by cancer, including family members and friends.  http://www.ottawacancer.ca

If you’d like to donate to the Cancer Foundation, consider supporting my husband Jono’s fundraising efforts as he runs the marathon next week-end in support of the Foundation.  http://ottawacancer.kintera.org/ottawaraceweekend/jono   (No pressure!)

Now I’m off to run some errands and enjoy this beautiful Spring day!

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Freedom and Physiotherapy

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This new drug is working so well that for the first time in about two years I am not stuck sleeping on only my right side! What a relief! It’s great news and I’m glad to have this freedom. Would you believe, though, that my left shoulder is sore from sleeping on it?

This has been going on since early June. I gave it a bit of time to see if it would resolve on its own, but it didn’t. I get free physiotherapy at the cancer centre, but it took a while to get in. I am happy to say that this week I finally saw the physiotherapist. She’s excellent! (Don’t know why I waited so long to ask for an appointment!)

She did some work on my shoulder, and immediately my range of motion increased! She gave me stretches and strengthening exercises, and instructed me on how to hold my body. I”ve been working on it the past couple of days, and things are improving, but oh it hurts!

These past months my body has gotten in the habit of moving in certain ways to protect itself from further harm. This is good, because I haven’t injured myself more. But it’s become a bad habit because I’m moving in ways that aren’t healthy for my body. Without even realizing, I’ve grown accustomed to a new way of holding myself and doing things, and that has resulted in significant tightening and weakening of certain muscles. This will take time to overcome!

I knew there was a problem, but I didn’t know what it was nor how to work at improving it. I’m thankful for the expertise of the physiotherapist to help me with this. Working at the exercises is awkward and even painful, but I know it’s a necessary part of the healing process.

Pain can be a gift, because it tells us something is wrong. Avoiding pain is common and desirable in many ways, but it’s so good to stretch out of the unhelpful, self-protecting patterns that we may have established, that we may not even be aware of!

Unhealthy self-protection isn’t just a physical thing. There are many ways we can hold ourself back from being who we are really meant to be. Our desire for comfort and resulting choices can cause us harm.

Taking risks and stretching out our comfort zones can be healthy, exhilarating even! … and it can hurt! but sometimes that pain is necessary for good growth.

Our beloved Bible study group is working through Galatians, it this week a number of references about true freedom jumped out at me.  I yearn for us all to live a life of fullness and true freedom!

Don’t let fear or pain hold you back!

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An Extraordinary Week

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I’m resting on the couch with my feet up, reflecting with thankfulness on how good and how strange this week of testing was. I am so glad I made it through! I’m coughing a lot, and looking forward to starting new meds on Monday. (Hoping they work really well!) There are so many stories I could tell and too many thoughts to mention, but let me give you a taste …

Tuesday was blood tests and EKG. As I’m driving to the hospital, the huge dump truck beside me starts moving into my lane! I stayed calm and reacted the way they taught me to in driving school. All was well and I made it safely to the hospital, praise God.

I was rather shaken and physically shaking when I arrived at the chemotherapy unit and checked in. In the waiting room, a man verbally attacked me for no rational reason, but it hit me hard. I’m guessing he was probably feeling frightened and dealing with his own stuff in an inappropriate manner. I was feeling extra vulnerable due to the truck incident. I walked away, then burst into tears. I am thankful for the caring staff at the hospital who comforted and protected me. I made it home without any further incidents!

Wednesday was the bone scan, and my husband Jono asked people to pray that I wouldn’t cough much. I typically cough almost constantly when lying on my back, and that’s how this test is performed … but you have to stay still to get results.

I lay down on the machine and coughed almost immediately, but – and this is hard to believe – that was the only time during the course of the test that I coughed! Wow! Praise God! Thank you for asking for prayer, Jono. Thank you all who prayed.

Thursday was the CT scan – also on my back. Let me say that it went really well. No problems. No coughing. No allergic reactions. Praise God! Thank you for praying.

Now let me tell you what was challenging …

Last CT scan, a friend’s appointment was scheduled right after mine so I greatly enjoyed spending time with him and his wife. This time a different story: a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit with handcuffs and leg cuffs was scheduled right before me, so I shared the inner waiting room with this man and two security guards. I was feeling a bit scared before I got to the hospital, and my apprehension increased. Then there was an emergency situation with the person ahead of us, so we ended up waiting together for a very long time  – over an hour! I thank God for keeping me calm and helping me to see this man as a person rather than simply a prisoner. I am thankful for freedom! I am also thankful for the opportunity to be in an uncomfortable situation that was safe. I spent a fair bit of time praying while I was there! I am thankful for the friends who were praying for me.

So this has been an eventful week on several levels, with new situations and many emotions to process. I am thankful for the love of God which surrounded me, even in the presence of the yelling man and the prisoner. I am thankful for the peace of God which filled me, even in this variety of stressful situations. I am thankful for the gift of prayer and the way God’s peace pushed away anxiety and fear when I prayed. I am thankful for God’s protection in the midst of danger. I am thankful for the mercy of significant chunks of time on my back without a cough. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers, and the beauty of Spring erupting all around me. I am thankful for the love and generosity of friends and family. I thank the Lord who made me.

I thank you.

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6.7)

P.S. –  If I could ask for one more thing … Thursday morning a woman bumped into my arm. It was a fairly hard bump from something she was carrying as she rushed past me. She apologized, and I didn’t think much of it at the time. I figured I’d have a bruise, but it seems to have triggered severe pain and muscular spasms in my rib cage. I’m tired and sore, but the week-end is coming and I want to be present with my kids. If you’re the praying type, I would appreciate your prayers for energy and healing! Thank you!

Brief Update

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Yes, things have been rather quiet lately on the blog-front. Many of you have asked for updates, and I apologise for my lack of communication. I am so grateful for your interest, your encouragement, your support, your care and your prayers. You are making a big difference for me and for our family, and we continue to be very grateful.

Here is a brief update …

I had a chest x-ray and saw my oncologist this week. It’s hard to tell, but looks like things are pretty much the same, or perhaps a bit worse than they were last month. I am coughing more, which is discouraging. Another CT scan and appointment in about a month …

My feet are still fairly numb, but increasingly I’m starting to feel things, like the tickle of sheets against my toes, or painful burning (which I imagine means the nerves are healing). Feeling also seems to be returning to my fingers. I’m thankful!

I’m loving being out in the beautiful weather. I’ve been gardening with the kids and walking, including some nordic walking. Some days are better than others, and I occasionally overdo it (can you imagine!), then  pay the price for a couple of days afterwards. I continue to eat loads of fruit and veg, and do the exercises my physio gave me. Overall, I’m feeling stronger, more energetic and able to do things.

I am very grateful for each day, for the faithful love of God, for conversations, for the moments with my kids … Life is a gift!

I read a quote by the phenomenal Dr. Maya Angelou the other day, which captured my imagination and got me thinking about calling.

“Nothing so frightens me as writing, but nothing so satisfies me. It’s like a swimmer in the [English] Channel: you face the stingrays and waves and cold and grease, and finally you reach the other shore, and you put your foot on the ground.”  – Maya Angelou, 1989

What frightens you? What satisfies you? What is your calling? Don’t let fear hold you back: go for it!

 

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Phlox, our garden, May 2014
our garden May 2014

What Power?

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Several weeks ago, a lovely woman at church told me that her husband had written a list of things that cancer does not have power over. My first response was, “I’d love to see that list!” My second thought was, “Maybe it would be better if I made up my own list!”

I am so grateful that it got me thinking more deeply about these questions: what actual power does cancer have in my life, and where am I giving it power that I shouldn’t.

My recent skate on our backyard rink was something I didn’t think I could do. My feet are fairly numb so my balance is lousy right now, and my body is startlingly weak. I had no idea what would happen as I attempted to glide out on the ice. I was afraid of falling and adding to my bruise collection (or worse). I was afraid of scaring my kids, of looking foolish, of not being able to get back up … I was feeling powerless. Fear and uncertainty were holding me back. But I made a decision that I was going to (carefully) go for it and see what happened. Even if the very worst I feared did materialize, we would manage. I’m so glad I did! The sun was glorious, the weather warm enough that I could breathe fairly comfortably, and my body remembered how to skate! I didn’t fall at all, although I did feel rather awkward (and somewhat powerless) at times! Fear can hold a huge amount of power over us. I’m so glad it didn’t stop me from skating!

We all have life circumstances which challenge us on a variety of levels. We may choose to give away power, or not recognize the power we do have within / in spite of them. We believe lies. We can allow ourselves to be paralyzed.

As I continue to wrestle with these questions, I realize more and more how important it is: not only to wrestle, but also to step out boldly in truth and love as best as I can.

What about your life circumstances? What power do they actually have over you, and where do you inappropriately give power to them? What power will you choose to give to them, and what practical differences will that make in your life?

(This photo is of a list I discovered on a bulletin board at the hospital. What Cancer Cannot DoI have no idea who wrote it.)