We’re grieving some disappointing news we received a couple of weeks ago.

My CT scan in January showed cancer. Ugh. This means the med I was on for almost two years is no longer working effectively.

Thankfully, this is not the end of the line: many new meds are being developed, and there were a couple of options for me to consider. The best option, we think, is a new drug which is only very recently available to certain cancer patients here in Canada. Good news that I fit the criteria. Good news that the timing worked out for me. Good news that the company agreed to release it to me on compassionate grounds. Good news that we don’t have to pay for it.

Yet, in the midst of all this good news … still the grief.

Naturally we hoped I’d have a longer run on Ceritinib. I had even started hoping that “cancer” would become a thing of the past, that we would turn the page and start a new chapter which didn’t include cancer. That in future there would be chapters which didn’t include daily meds, side effects, frequent appointments and tests. Maybe even one day cancer would be beaten! That day will come, but I don’t yet see signs of its coming.

The reality is that we don’t know the whole story. We can’t see the BIG picture. We have no idea what the future holds.

Thankfully I got the tests I needed quickly. Thankfully my oncologist worked late to fill out forms requesting the new drug for me. Mercifully it came surprisingly quickly. Thankfully I’ve been taking it for a week now and things seem to be going fairly well.

In the midst of disappointment, I keep praying to have my eyes and ears open. I keep looking for reasons to give thanks. I keep trying to discipline myself to stay in the present and live each day faithfully.

It’s hard to write this update. I don’t want to have to share bad news. I know you don’t want to hear it. I was blindsided by this news, and it hit hard. Surprisingly hard.  I’m still working through the grief. I started this post a few days ago, and I don’t even want to read it over to check my spelling & grammar. So I’m not going to! (I’m such a rebel!)

In the midst of this difficult news, there is good. There is hope.

Hope is the theme I’m focussing on for 2017. I chose it toward the end of 2016, and had no idea how much I would need it! One of the ways I am focussing on “Hope” is by regularly reading passages from the Bible which speak to this topic, and spending time reflecting and praying about them.

I recently read 1 Kings 19, which tells about the time the prophet Elijah was exhausted and fearful since his life was in danger, and he met with the LORD God. The LORD asked him twice, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” It’s a beautiful encounter in which the powerful God whispers to Elijah. Elijah learns that the story is bigger than what he perceives, and that the LORD has a good plan which includes Elijah. It reminded me that the Living God knows my name and all about my situation. Here is a prayer I wrote in in response:

Lord, thank you that we can come to you with the whole story, as we know it. You invite us to speak, to tell it to you. You listen and care for us. You are powerful & show your power … and you are gentle & show your gentleness.

You are more powerful than our enemies. You know our name. You know our need. You tenderly care for us. You give us a role to play in your Great story. You gently open our eyes and ears to know that the story as we know it is not actually the whole story. Thank you.

(If you’re interested in reading this passage, you can find it here: http://bible.oremus.org. Search 1 Kings 19)

Cancer is not the whole story. Leaving the clinical trial and switching from Ceritinib to Alectinib right now is not necessarily all bad. There may be good in it that I can’t perceive. Certainly the side effects so far seem much easier to tolerate, and for that I am thankful!

I’m praying for courage to boldly step into God’s Great story.

Prayers, warm thoughts, and words of encouragement are always appreciated.

Here are some glimpses of love, light and goodness from the past couple of weeks:

The hibiscus plant is blooming again (and again)!

I managed to root jasmine and geranium last Fall, and they’re starting to bloom!

My first lemons are looking luscious!

Homemade heart-shaped biscuits with our broccoli soup last night!

I set foot on the world’s longest skating rink (wearing a cozy hat made by the sister of one of my favourite clinical trial nurses)!

In Ontario, cancer medications given in hospital (like IV chemotherapy) are provided free of charge, however cancer drugs that we take at home (like effective new pills) are often paid for by the patient. Sometimes they cost thousands of dollars per month. Many cancer patients face significant financial fragility, and should not have to pay for their treatment medication. The Canadian Cancer Society is making it easy to speak out against this unfair situation. If you are an Ontario resident, please consider taking action! Click here to contact your MPP about this important issue!